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Private
It's been a really long time since I've cut. I guess it was never really my thing, if I was going to fuck myself up, I could always get high, or go turn tricks, at least I'd bring home some money for it. But I cut last night again, hard and deep and it was beautiful. It was so increidbly beautiful that I cried. I didn't feel a thing, except release, and that was what I need right now.
I feel like I've been screaming for help for months now and I don't know if no one is listening, or if there's just no sound coming out of my mouth. And then, I suddenly get guilty when I see that I'm bringing someone like Beckett down. I should have never hired her. She's too good for this shit. I figure sooner or later she'll figure it out for herself and quit and I'll never see or hear from her again. That's always the case when I finally make friends with good people. Cesar, Maggie, they figured it out and they're gone. Beckett will get it soon enough too.
I figure the only reason Joey keeps coming back is out of guilt. A lot of people on the outside think that people like us, people who deal with the 'other side' of life, we don't feel those kinds of things. But they couldn't be more wrong. Sometimes I think maybe we feel them even more than everyone else, cause of all the shit that goes on. But who knows? And at the end of the day, who cares? The first night he was back, it was typical around here, and it's been the same every night since. So I know he's just waiting for the opportunity to leave for good this time, or maybe he's just waiting for his connections to find him a good place to go.
The way things are going, Phoe is never going to get to go back to school. She has her 'episodes' every day, sometimes up to three or four times a day. Sometimes it can take almost an hour to calm her down. Nic and Emmy are afraid of her, even if they won't admit it. Nic is turning more and more into Rumor every day. He just sits alone and draws, or watches TV, and gets more and more withdrawn from me and his sisters. When I ask him what he's doing or why, he just tells me it's a secret. And Emmy? She's getting so big, and doing well otherwise, but her eyes are so bad still. She follows me around the house every where I go because she can follow the sound of my voice. And when I used to leave them with the sitter, they'd tell me she would cry for hours when she realized she didn't hear my voice anymore and that I was gone. Needless to say, I can't leave them with anyone else anymore. I stay with them all day long, and when I go to the club, I take them with me and keep them in my office. Thank God it's sound proof, so they can just stay in there and sleep.
Me? I don't sleep. I only eat when Joey is looking or actually putting the food in my mouth. I feel trapped. I feel like I'm drowning and I can't breathe. I feel like if something actually happened to make me smile (yeah, right), my face might crack and fall off and I'd just be a skeleton. At least cutting helps me exhale. For a few minutes. The drugs keep me going every day, they keep me even, so that I don't yell at the kids, or get drunk at work, or do anything crazy. The guns in the closet keep my mind at ease, for now.
I'm not stupid. I know this is not the right way to be. I know this isn't a way to live, it's not right for my kids. I know my 'friends' don't want to be around me. But they don't have to walk in my shoes every day and I'm just trying to make it through.
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